One thing we’ve never really discussed on this blog is something very personal, but something completely relevant as we look back on two years – the effect of all this travel on our marriage. If you ask us the one thing that surprised us the most about our RTW, we’ll both quickly say the amount of together time. It’s a lot. A whole lot. I’ll never forget when we did our Tobias Index: South America stats and realized that in nine months the longest we’d been apart was three hours. I’ll give you a second to let that sink in. Three hours.
So yes, being together so much was hard. Sometimes really hard and there were those times it was really, really hard. But to be honest, I wouldn’t trade a day of traveling with my husband for a day of traveling without. It was an incredible test of our relationship. I have an incredible amount of respect for people who travel solo, but I know it’s not for me. Sure we got closer than a couple ever should (thanks to many bare thin bathroom walls), but living together in confined spaces and without the luxury of long-term friends has strengthened our relationship.
My Dad likes to say he and my mother were married at the same day, same place, but they attended different weddings. His memories from the day are very different from hers. She remembers the flowers, he remembers the band, she remembers a toast, he the advice of a friend. The point is we can share experiences and yet have completely different memories. We can be together and yet not.
I thought our trip would be similar, but we never really mastered it. Sure there are things that stick out in my mind that don’t stick out in his, but for the most part the meaningful experiences for me were also the same for him. It’s great to have someone else take off those rose colored glasses when the truth fades and a romantic memory of a place remains. It’s also great to have someone to provide prospective in the moment, to remind you that hey, this is a really incredible experience.
Before this gets too sappy let me remind you that traveling together was hard. It was brutal. Danny probably knows more about me than I care to admit, he sees my behaviors and patterns better than I do and I can do the same for him. We’ve somehow lived a lifetime together in two short years. The ups, the downs the ebbs and flows. Our marriage is probably stronger now than it ever would have been at home. We’ve overcome so many challenges together and faced more unknowns than couples do in a lifetime. It’s been tough, but coming out the other side with the “afterlife” before us, I know I wouldn’t trade for a day without him.
So we joke and say that the last two years of marriage count for double. That much time together has to count for something tangible right? Instead of celebrating our fifth wedding anniversary this year, between us we’ll be celebrating our “seventh.”
It just depends on the way you count.
Gillian @OneGiantStep says
We found that our year of travel was the hardest year of our 13 year relationship but I, like you, wouldn’t trade a moment of it. We learned a whole lot about what makes us happy and what we need from ourselves and each other that we will take forward in our future adventures. I think it’s important for us couple travelers to be honest about the experience; it’s not all romantic walks on the beach and staring longingly into each others eyes; but it’s totally worth it!! Cheers!
Jillian says
I was hoping you’d comment on this post. I’m so glad your experience was similar to ours- difficult, but worth it. Getting through a long trip with a partner truly is a testament to a strong relationship!
jill - Jack and Jill Travel The World says
The prospect of spending that much time together with each other scares us a big (or a lot). I mean, traveling can be such a stressful experience and you tend to take that out on your closest person. It can be tough bearing the brunt of the other’s stress-induced outlet all the time. But we’ve learned a lot from you guys, along with other traveling couples I’ve gotten to know — that yes it can be hard, but it’s also more than possible. Cheers for more years of traveling together!
Stacie says
You two are so cute.
Jillian says
@Jill- It’s definitely more than possible. Somewhere along the way we realized that there were certain aspects of traveling that I preferred handling and others that I preferred to let Danny handle. Without realizing it we had divided up responsibilities and that made things much easier. I know some other couples do a “day” where one partner makes the rather mundane decisions on that day- ie where to sleep, where to eat, etc… We didn’t do that, but I can definitely see how it would be useful. It’s also important to be honest with yourself about what is frustrating/upsetting, usually it’s not your partner, it’s an external force, and being able to honestly recognize that makes it easier! You guys will be fine though, everyone finds something that works for them!
@Stacie- Awww. thanks!
Alyson says
Loved reading this post… you’re right, we didn’t see that part of your relationship on the blog. I can’t imagine having such an intense period of time with anyone. Definitely shows how strongly you two care about each other! xoxo
Laura says
Aw this is really kind of sweet! Although we never did such long term travel, I totally get how travel brings a couple closer together. You really learn to rely on each other, solve problems together and sometimes just generally tolerate each other when you’re on the road. Thanks for sharing your experience 🙂
BTW I guess I have’t clicked over in a little while but I wanted to say I really like the new design!
Jillian says
@Alyson- It was certainly intense and for a while I felt like I was loosing my independence. Things were much better in Europe and when we were traveling with people. Now that we’re home I see us exhibiting the same behaviors though, there are some things I naturally give him lead on and there are others he instinctively gives to me. I guess we’ve found balance.
@Laura- Actually the site redesign is new, only about a week now! I think long-term travel really tests all aspects of a relationship. We do know couples who have broken up during/after travel, so it doesn’t unfortunately work out for everyone.
Kim says
I really loved this post. It’s nice to have something to prepare me and Brian (my husband) for the inevitable tough times ahead while we travel. It’s so easy to believe right now that everything will be great but since we know it won’t be we’ve already had some conversations about how we’ll deal. Like Jack and Jill said above, you always take out your stress on your closest person. Anyway, thanks for this great post, i really enjoyed it!
Andrea says
I think your post really captures the tradeoffs and rewards for travelling as a couple. John and I met while travelling and it has always been a huge part of our lives. Because our pasts and families are on opposite sides of the world, this is something we will be dealing with forever, even when we stay in one place for a few years. I wouldn’t really say that our lives are that much different now that we’re on the road again full-time. We bicker about the same things we do at home (talking really minor stuff, but it’s the same stuff if that makes sense). We agree on the same things as well. I wouldn’t trade travelling with him for anything. You’re right, it does make you stronger as a couple, especially when you get through the challenges together. And we often review the way we handle situations and look for ways to improve communication. I think the latter is key. It certainly makes life interesting being on the road – good interesting =)
Anthony says
I can totally relate to this post. It is really hard at times traveling as a couple – but like you said I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. You share the hard times and the most amazing experiences, and usually that might be in the same day. Travelling as a couple makes you see things with a new set of eyes. I can’t wait to share our stories in 20 years time – heck, I think we will probably still be traveling then!. I have extensively traveled solo rtw before I met Elise and both ways of traveling are totally opposite side of the spectrum. Traveling solo taught me many things, but traveling with your partner has a whole different meaning. Sharing your experiences is the best and I can’t imagine not traveling with Elise now.
Jillian says
@Kim, Andrea & Anthony- Thanks for commenting and sharing your stories. I really wanted to put up this post to open up the discussion on traveling in a relationship (platonic or otherwise). I think a lot of people think traveling with a friend or partner is easier, but I think your comments prove that those of us doing it/who have done it think differently. I’d argue that its harder since you have to give up some of your autonomy and that’s something many of us love about travel in the first place.
It’s amazing how much travel can effect a relationship, both good and bad. I think Andrea hit the nail on the head, communication becomes even more important when on the road. We both had to learn how to communicate differently, to recognize when the other was just frustrated and when it was an underlying issue. It was certainly a hard lesson but it sounds like we’re all in agreement that it’s a lesson worth learning!
Laurel says
I loved this post! I think traveling really does bring you together and it’s so nice to create shared memories with each other that you can look back on for years to come, but all that togetherness is tough too. If we’re getting on each others nerves sometimes we’ll have “quiet time” where we don’t talk for 1/2 an hour, even if we’re in the same room, just to give us the illusion of some alone time.
Jillian says
Laurel-
I like the idea of “quiet time.” We tried to give each other space even if it was just silence for a little while. 🙂
Grace says
Thank you for sharing such a personal reflection. I’ve always traveled solo but I’m at this point in my life where I wish I had someone to travel with. I was wondering if and when you have kids will you consider taking another RTW trip with them?
Jillian says
Hmm the bigger question is would we do another RTW trip? I’m not sure we’d do it again like we did. We’d rather take 3 months and explore only a region. But would we travel with our hypothetical kids? Definitely, absolutely.
Lisa says
I love your honesty and that your marriage is stronger after the adventure. What a gift.